Primates of Park Avenue

 

I first came across this book from the internet, one of the book reviews. I remembered the book was the analysis on New Yorkers from anthropology perspectives and having humorous insights. What I didn't know, some how when the review mentioned all about it, was that this book was about being a UPPER EAST SIDE MOM. The book discuss mainly on the motherhood, but there are still other NY life such as house hunting, cult like workout culture, and the subtle yet not so subtle neighborhoods of NY differences that anyone can relate.

I learned many new primitive(?) words like forage, scion, gestation and others. Still, it was a easy and hilarious read. Wednesday Martin wrote so cleverly to describe some of uncomfortable feelings and situations that one could face while living in NY. I was the one reading the book, but I felt like I was being read.

Everyone wants to belong somewhere. Is that somewhere NY?

Martin analyzes behaviors of UES New Yorkers with an anthropological insights and I think the trigger for their behaviors is relatable and universal to everyone.

"Primates are, after all, deeply affiliative and highly prosocial, characteristics that set us apart from other species."

Formation of culture, sometimes ridiculous customs, rituals, power plays of ranks, concept of a face and shame, is a universal trait of every human being. Even monkeys form and partake similar cultures too. We like socializing and having a community. 

So what is so unique in "New York culture"? 

New York City is just the melting pot of melting pots of diverse and delicate cultures and attracts the most eye-catching demographic. Especially in UES, its customs are casually set and enforced by the most highly educated and wealthy people. THAT IS THE BIG DEAL. The amount of network and decision power bestowed on the alphas of New York Primates are stronger than alphas elsewhere and the norm they have set can only feel ostentatious and outlandish to outsiders. 

"culture they lived in was itself a major plague." 

"The pressure to perform, the drive for perfection and the emphasis on appearances and keeping up appearances on the UES are extraordinary and unrelenting."

If you are wanting to live in New York though, you can't ignore this plague or condescend it. Especially if your relationships in NY also determines your kids' friends and heavily influences their future. You can choose to belong or move.

Toxic factors that burn mom out, fueling the plague in NY UES. Blessing in disguise? Systematic error?

Chapter 6 really dives deep for stress and anxiety factors that UES Moms deals. Martin uses references to 10 curses before the passover which I thought was hilarious. I thought the stress and anxiety factors are the very thing that sets UES so different and unchangeable. Below are what I understood and thought on what makes NY UES moms, and the UES norm.

1. Economic dependency. Your decision is not yours.

Dependency on husband and his/her parents for economics is common given the wealth established in the city. Because they can in NY, women will chose (or cultured) to focus on parenthood over the career and slowly weakly positioned in the economic rank in the family. That turns into weaker decision power and less opportunities to say "no" and more having to keep up with the norm to stay belonged. 

I hate confrontation. If it was up to me, I'd fall for this system. I don't think I will be happy with weaker decision power.

2. Identity dependency. You don't define who you are.

Dependency on the husband and children for their identities of a perfect wife and a perfect mom. Moms can't help "being extensions and reflections of others."

First, given the economic dependency, women are under the pressure of keeping these men their husbands to continue the city life. And divorced wives never getaway with stigmas of being broken and unstable. For your husband to help you be a wife, working out, skin care and dressing up routines just like when you met him in 20/30s to compete with new 20/30s need to continue. Succumb to pressure and make it harder for other to compete or leave. 

Second, moms are solely responsible and accountable for their choices for kids. Especially in UES, dads participate less in parenting because they need to be making $$$$$, more pressure is on Mom. That's a lot for a woman to handle, but not for mom. And for ambitious and somewhat financially ready UES mom wannabes, spending $95K, the least and per year, to attend galas to make their kid some friends and raising their kids' chances to get into Ivy league is nothing impossible and the best choices they have to make.

If money wasn't the problem, entire world's mom will do the same.

3. Physiological trap

"Size 00 sells the fastest in UES." But the skinner you are, "Drops in estrogen makes females more aggressive. Higher ratio of attack by highly anxious women." 

Women in NY treat the workout as a profession. Professional dancers have beautiful bodies and they are a lot of them in NYC striking, unintentionally, competitions. The intelligent and driven UES moms will even add a smart diet and evolve their food choices from "the fat-free and low calories diet" to "organic, biodynamic, detoxifying and antioxidant-rich" to game up their hard worked bodies. Everyday workout like a cult will bring you to never-be-full diet plan for maintenance and starved bodies will bring you back to cult workout to let out your stress. Hence the endless, depressing physiological trap continues and UES moms are destined to repeat and stay aggressive.

Aggression is the norm that can't be broken. So be aggressive with or? leave?

4. First World Problems, but the real one

"Our blood pressure surges to 180/120 not in order to save our lives, but as we sit in traffic or worry about terrorism. And we can't find the Off button. So momentarily, adaptive stress becomes chronic stress and perpetual anxiety." 

In the faster and more connected world we have pursued, the chronic stress is what we got. With heavier traffic, population and busy life in NY, New Yorker can't escape higher stress level. UES moms probably ride Uber/Cab/Lyft more than the tourists. They love workouts but their workouts are riding bicycles with loud music or clenching teeth harder than pressuring gym ball between the thighs. Not walking down the streets with expensive high heels. Maybe they are exposed to more first world stress than the usual people. Similar to #3, first world problem is another cyclical trap strongly present in UES.

Concluding Thoughts

Aggressive moms who are destined to be aggressive -> Aggressive kids/dads/family -> Aggressive Town? Maybe.

Capitalism vs. Motherhood. Who can say no to more and better?

No matter how much the modern society emphasizes on individuality and self-validation, we cannot stop comparing ourselves with others. I don't even think we want to. We want to find that similarity, the divine spirit to share and belong to places we live. So after do I want to belong in NY? Can I?

I think I will still live in NY and probably even have kids in NY even after the book. Who knows if that will be UES cause $95K annual expense wasn't in my financial plan. Is it because I am materialistically ambitious and view "the more" ideal? Or because I hate moving more than confrontation? If money wasn't the issue, at which point would I consider moving out of the city? I still don't have the clear answer. But this book helped me look into the personal desires and that of city's and brought me closer to the NY Craziness. 

The book was thought provoking for me, hope it does the same to you.