Demian - part 1

Demian

What is life's purpose? How should one live?

Book's main character, Sinclair, senses the different worlds that exist in life from a young age. Rich and poor, good and bad, black and colors, etc and how each world shows different ways to live. Sinclair meets another boy, Demian, who is mysterious, mature, and seemingly all-knowing boy who stood out amongst other peers in school. Demian saves Sinclair from his childhood mistake and panic from crossing different worlds and helps him question the different worlds that were experienced. What is forbidden and allowed? Who defines them and how are they distinguished? Can the line blur? Should the line blur? Influenced and guided by Demian, Sinclair learns to observe, get lost, love, and struggle to define his own world, his way of life. His reflection on his journey to maturity is beautifully written.

Sinclair's metaphor on self discovery and defining one's own world is break through of an egg shell. The quote from the book goes, which I believe it being the key message, "The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born must first destroy a world." I did not know what the cover of book above showed at the time of purchase. I feel more attached to the book after understanding how it highlights this key message on the cover. The author while empathizing the pain and loneliness in the path of self discovery, encourages and reiterates the importance of finding one self as fulfilling a duty of life and criticizes people who settles into predefined perceptions and view points. Hermann Hesse experiences WWI and mourns for many lives taken away by an societal ideology. Perhaps because of this experience, he became an advocate in encouraging people to define and stand in their world.

Some of the quotes I resonated the most was his perspective on the growing pain. People who felt and embraced the pain differed from people who did not. His honesty on the feelings of continued confusion and sadness that accompanies the growing pain comforts us reminding that we are not alone.

Reflection 

"Everyone goes through this crisis. For the average person this is the point when the demands of his own life come into the sharpest conflict with his environment, when they way forward has to be sought with the bitterest means at his command."

The loneliness one feels when he/she is conflicted with the surroundings are indeed the bitterest feelings. I remember crying out to my parents and friends of my stress and they'd always tell me, "This shall to pass as this is the moment of growth." In these times all I did was cry and write on my diaries of how harsh it felt. I did not write my struggle as "conflict with his environment", but I wish I could have dig deeper into why I was feeling stressed to think similar to the author.

"This is a matter of laziness. Those who are too lazy and comfortable to think for themselves and be their own judges obey the laws. Others sense their own laws within them."

This quote is used after criticizing the story of the converted thief who was saved by Jesus at the cross. Demian questions whether a one who has defined and lived his way could convert so easily to another world. It's a likable story, but may be made up by priests. He further thinks the other thief who remained evil showed more strength by standing firm on his belief. I am Christian and I believe there is a defined good and bad by God and hence does not agree with what Demian said on how the "bad" should also be worshipped. However, just like Sinclair, I think I was ashamed I never gave an objective thought to the story. This quote keeps me alarmed and motivated. There are so many decisions to make in life, perhaps more as Christians.

"There are numerous ways in which God can make us lonely and lead us back to ourselves. This is the way He dealt with me at the time. It was like a bad dream. My days spent in dirty taverns embracing broken glasses and ruthless criticisms portrayed me as an anxious day dreamer crawling through the messy street."

It is easy to cry out to God when I am in need of him. We often think that hardships we face are meant to bring us back to God. The prayer helps us to bring out the power within us that we did not acknowledge before. It helps us get through the tough time. It makes us hope the way we choose is meant to be for us. But still, the path I walk may not be upon the clouds. Like the quote.

"It didn't matter what I would become in the future. I fought with the world in an ugly and my own unique way by sitting in the tavern, being full of myself. That was my rebel. I continued to get destroyed. I often thought 'If the world does not need people like me and if it does not get us in a better position or assign valuable tasks, we would be destined to be destroyed.' The responsibility should be on the world."

Not following the norm was ugly. Nowadays, with advanced education on diversity, not following the norm is deemed praise worthy. This too, however, is only the case when the conclusion of different path is a success that the norms could recognize. Many paths and trials may never be celebrated even with their own successes. 

I am addicted to other people's approval. The belonginess feels great and it is a large motivation for me to do something. Still, I was never afraid to try my own ways and volunteered to walk in the dark road with no street lights. It was sad and I often ran back to the norms where it was easier to feel happy, but the unresolved curiosity and desire to know more always brought me back to stand alone.

"But there was something I could not do. I could not picture the subliminal goals hidden inside of me."

"I wanted only to live in accord with the promptings which came from my true self. Why was that so very difficult?"

The most famous quote from the book. Why was living life as we wanted so difficult!!! Why was it difficult and why is it still difficult! Why can't we define what we want when we feel it? Is it the fear of walking alone? Fear of facing criticisms? 

No. I don't think it's fear. Fear has somewhat contribution, but I think the main problem is that we often run out of time to decide what we want. Being good at something takes enormous time and practice. Being good at knowing what I like would also take time. Going to school, choosing a job, surviving in a busy work environment, making friends, traveling, trying out different hobbies, etc the list continues on things I thought I "had to do" to keep up with normal burnt me down.

I took 6 months off from work and I have been reading and trying out different things as hobby. Feeling what makes me happy vs. stressed is good. I am sensing what is a growth stress vs. burn out stress better and I feel content and mature. I feel hopeful that I will live a life that I want even if it means feeling lonely because the fulfillment of paving my own path is greater.